I cant stop thinking why I do the things I do
What leads me down the path of self destruction
I wonder how much anyone could care for me if I don't care for myself
Wanting and hoping for a better life I struggle with my own dreams
Dreams that turn into nightmares with the flip of a switch
One moment I am living a happy idyllic life and the next I am weighed down
The deepest despair resting upon my shoulders like rusty shackles never to be removed
People tell me that life is worth living and that "I would be missed"
I could never bring myself to leave this world the world I despise at times
Because I know that there is a silver lining to every cloud
As cheesy as that may sound I am hoping that it is actually true
Life could be much easier if people shared their thoughts and were more open
I want to be open with all of you about my thoughts and wishes
Please do the same with me, for the love of anything that is holy do that for me
For my sanity and out of compassion for another human being
There are a number of bridges that I have burned and I regret that
I fear that there is no way to ever repair them
I think that people are not willing to forgive
People say I should move on and not care about what others think of me
That is easier said than done
I would give anything for another chance
A chance to rewind the movie to the beginning and not spill the popcorn
Thoughts of the Day
I have just been informed that people were talking behind my back about stuff. If someone does not like me or has a problem with me please tell me. I already know I am a fuck up and would appreciate hearing it from others.
Poem - Tears Rolling
Tears Rolling Down My Cheeks
I want out of here out of this box I feel as though I am confined to
Life at times feels so hard and complicated that I don't know what to do
Tears Fall Onto My Pillow Staining It
Should I know what to do with myself
How will things end for me, is everything all planned out?
I just want to be liked and maybe loved by some so desperately.
Stupid as it may be I care so much for how others view me.
I want people to not overlook me
To not think I am just some other girl
As I reach out to you but you turn your back on me
Begging and pleading for your affection but I get no response
I want you in my life even if its as a friend
Will you have pity on me as I get to my knees and apologize to you
Life is not as sunny without you in it
I want out of here out of this box I feel as though I am confined to
Life at times feels so hard and complicated that I don't know what to do
Tears Fall Onto My Pillow Staining It
Should I know what to do with myself
How will things end for me, is everything all planned out?
I just want to be liked and maybe loved by some so desperately.
Stupid as it may be I care so much for how others view me.
I want people to not overlook me
To not think I am just some other girl
As I reach out to you but you turn your back on me
Begging and pleading for your affection but I get no response
I want you in my life even if its as a friend
Will you have pity on me as I get to my knees and apologize to you
Life is not as sunny without you in it
Poem - Life Worth Living
I am struggling to find a life worth living
If only I could have the warm lick of a dog against my cheek on a cold day
Or feel the bliss of sleeping next to the woman I love as she spoons against my body
The smell of salt in the air from the waves breaking nearby
All of these things remind me of a happy moment in my life
A moment I wish I could bottle up and store for a rainy day
Wanting and hoping for more than I can ever have
Dreaming of a day of happiness with someone to hold
I have been shattered not once, but twice my heart lays mangled on the floor
Being walked over by people not paying attention without a care for my well being
A life worth living continues to slide farther and farther from my grasp
I run fast against the wind to catch this so called "life worth living" to no avail
Panting I lunge my body forward not knowing if I can make it
I wish I could finally find happiness
I dream of a better day to come
Waking in a cold sweat I lay in bed realizing I am all alone
And even further from my life worth living
If only I could have the warm lick of a dog against my cheek on a cold day
Or feel the bliss of sleeping next to the woman I love as she spoons against my body
The smell of salt in the air from the waves breaking nearby
All of these things remind me of a happy moment in my life
A moment I wish I could bottle up and store for a rainy day
Wanting and hoping for more than I can ever have
Dreaming of a day of happiness with someone to hold
I have been shattered not once, but twice my heart lays mangled on the floor
Being walked over by people not paying attention without a care for my well being
A life worth living continues to slide farther and farther from my grasp
I run fast against the wind to catch this so called "life worth living" to no avail
Panting I lunge my body forward not knowing if I can make it
I wish I could finally find happiness
I dream of a better day to come
Waking in a cold sweat I lay in bed realizing I am all alone
And even further from my life worth living
Poem - Razor
A razor sharp as a thousand shards of glass
Ripping, shredding, slicing
The pain shoots through my body like a fire out of control
The blood trickles down my arm like a warm blanket
Eyes big and fighting the blackness
The razor lies in my hand cold and hard to the touch
My life oozes away with each lifeless pump of my heart
I lay there waiting the inevitable
Ripping, shredding, slicing
Ripping, shredding, slicing
The pain shoots through my body like a fire out of control
The blood trickles down my arm like a warm blanket
Eyes big and fighting the blackness
The razor lies in my hand cold and hard to the touch
My life oozes away with each lifeless pump of my heart
I lay there waiting the inevitable
Ripping, shredding, slicing
Poem - Alone
I slide through my day without a care in the world
Numb to everyone around me
I have built a wall up around me to protect my heart and soul
Not sure of which way to go
Moving upwards the light of the sun shines down upon my cold body
The sun warms my skin so quickly I fear I will char my delicate skin
I am forced to go down into the dark despair which is my normal life
The dark so black that you cant see more than a few inches in front of your face
I curl into a ball to keep myself warm and safe
Slowly I lose my sanity because of the lack of human contact
I am alone, utterly alone
Reaching out I try to find someone to have human contact with
Everyone else is so far away and out of reach
I am so utterly alone
With no hope of redemption I close my eyes forever
Numb to everyone around me
I have built a wall up around me to protect my heart and soul
Not sure of which way to go
Moving upwards the light of the sun shines down upon my cold body
The sun warms my skin so quickly I fear I will char my delicate skin
I am forced to go down into the dark despair which is my normal life
The dark so black that you cant see more than a few inches in front of your face
I curl into a ball to keep myself warm and safe
Slowly I lose my sanity because of the lack of human contact
I am alone, utterly alone
Reaching out I try to find someone to have human contact with
Everyone else is so far away and out of reach
I am so utterly alone
With no hope of redemption I close my eyes forever
Thinking of Why's and Will's
Why is it that I continue to give in to my emotions and feelings?
Why do I just let things overwhelm me?
Why is it that I care what others think of me?
Why do I want to be...
accepted, loved, held tightly and told that I am wanted?
Why do people not believe me when I shed the walls that protect me?
Will I ever find someone that will love me for me?
Will I ever find someone that is a friend that I can share everything and anything?
I believe its my time...I have done my share of bad things yes, but I deserve someone to love me. I want that special someone to give themselves to me. I had that someone or so I thought and now I have nothing. I am just going to retreat to my shell like a hermit crab and waste away my time thinking of what could have been.
Why do I just let things overwhelm me?
Why is it that I care what others think of me?
Why do I want to be...
accepted, loved, held tightly and told that I am wanted?
Why do people not believe me when I shed the walls that protect me?
Will I ever find someone that will love me for me?
Will I ever find someone that is a friend that I can share everything and anything?
I believe its my time...I have done my share of bad things yes, but I deserve someone to love me. I want that special someone to give themselves to me. I had that someone or so I thought and now I have nothing. I am just going to retreat to my shell like a hermit crab and waste away my time thinking of what could have been.
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